Merry Christmas

In the morning, when I came to my desk, I found there was a nice piece of coloured paper on my desk. Apparently, there is this contest in my office to write our wish on the paper and hang it on the Christmas Tree. I think there will be a winner announced during the X’mas breakfast. When I realised what the paper was for, I decided to write this wish. I don’t intent and wish to win the contest, if there is any, but I’d like to share my wish and hope I could spread this seed of thought as much and wide as possible. May this inspires you to be kind and gentle to yourself and others. MERRY X’MAS!

I wish more and more people would find peace in the heart

I wish those who are less fortunate could still SMILE =)

I wish those who are fortunate could lend a hand to those who are less fortunate

I wish we all are content enough that we don’t need to wish for more in life.

Dealing with the “demons”

Lately I haven’t been writing much, mainly because I didn’t have much inspiration to write. Also been busy going out and about lately….. Life without 9-to-5 routine is good and bad. Good that I have more “free” time to do anything I’d like. Bad because there is a lack of structure in my days…. but the worst is there is a strong nudge from within to get a job – or let me correct – an income for my survival!

Because of this urge to get a job, I’m faced with my “demons”. I am calling them demons because they’re destructive. They are the noises in my head that tell me I’m not good enough, that I may not be able to achieve what I wanted, or people won’t hire me, etc. you name it! These noises pull down my confidence, and as a result, I have fear in me – mainly fear of failure. But all these are noises and feeling. They are not the “real” me. They are there because it’s normal to have thoughts and doubts. It’s part of being human to have all these doubt, emotions, and thoughts. I decided to befriend and welcome them. I don’t want to push them away, and just simply let them be what they are.

Once the “me” being taken away from the equation of the process of thinking and feeling, I feel more at peace. Fear is just fear. It comes and goes. It may affect me a little bit (or even maybe more than a bit) for a while, but I’d keep reminding myself that this is just another phenomenon in life. There is nothing magical or special about it. It’s just like this.

Que Sera Sera

At this stage of my life, I’m at a crossroad. When we’re at the crossroad, doubts and/or worries could easily creep in due to uncertainties that come with it. Que Sera Sera is what my friend told me. In English, it means “Whatever will be, will be”. That line is awakening in a sense that we have worries of uncertainty because we are afraid of having the outcomes that we don’t like or want. But as the wise man says, future is uncertain. Sometimes, the problem is not the uncertainty itself, but it’s how we deal with it.

Why it’s so hard for us to do the best we can now without worrying about the outcomes in the future? Well, I think it’s because we in general are afraid of failure. But if I ask you, why failure is so scary? Why do we see failure is something bad? You may say, it hurts when we fail. But we forget the beauty failure entails. Failure comes with lessons to learn, and sometimes it’s subjective and relative. For some, failure could mean having a 70% result of an exam. But for some, failure could mean something like losing a job. So it’s subject to personal’s perspectives and expectations. So when something turns out to be below our expectation, we consider it as a failure.

However have we ever turned around and see the failure as a something more positive/beautiful? I’d like to see a half full glass instead of half empty, but doesn’t mean that my eyes are blinded by the reality. By accepting what really happens (e.g., losing a job) and see any opportunity behind the event, we may see some light in the dark! Yet if we are caught up in this cloud of being a failure, we won’t be able to see what could become our benefit.

Again, as I said I’m at a crossroad in my life. This could be a turning point – but one thing that I’m certain…. no matter what’s the outcome, I don’t want to lose my “heart” (ie Citta/Dhamma). Things could turn sour or bad, but as long as I’m in touch with my heart, I know I will be ok. So…. Que Sera Sera (Whatever will be, will be).

May you all be well and happy.

PS: Click here for an inspiring video on Failure by J.K. Rowling. Hope it could inspire you!

Setbacks

A few weeks  ago, I received a letter from my employer. As you may have guessed, it’s not a good news (for some). The letter makes it official of the future of my role. There is a restructure happening in my department, and as the company is growing and expanding, they will need someone who have a very strong background of the company, in other words, someone who’s been working for many years, instead of someone who’s a junior like me. I only have been working there for 1 years 3-4 months… Not too long to fit the criteria. Therefore, they made a decision to made my role redundant effective 27th August.

To many people, this may be a very devastating news. Mind you, it was sad and disappointing receiving this. Honestly, on the day itself I cried. I had mixed feelings – I felt disappointed, sad, and also hurt. The thought of leaving my colleagues – who are now like my friends – is heartbreaking. Also, on top of that, I was also concerned of my boss – how he’s going to cope with his current job and also mine. No matter how bad (it seems) the company treats me, I decided not to harbour hard feelings towards it. Long ago, I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t lose my “heart” in any situations – especially of those when you’re hurt by someone else. It’s just not worth it! Not worth it to lose my inner peace and love for the hurt feelings others have caused.

The earliest teaching that I’ve received on setback is when I was 7 years old. In a hindsight, it wasn’t really a major setback… but for the 7-year-old-me it was.  It’s still vivid in my memory, I was crying in the couch while my dad was typing next to me. Feeling curious and concerned of what happened, my dad asked why I was crying. Then I told him that my rank fell in the 2nd term. My dad then was telling me that I was wasting my energy crying. “Things have happened and nothing I could do to change the past”, he said. “But, there is still something you could do. There is another term left in the year, and if I study harder, I could be on the top again”. That was my awakening moment. Since then on, I somehow gained inner strength when I faced challenges or setbacks in life. Thanks Dad for the valuable lesson.

I believe it’s not what happens that is a problem. But it’s our attitude attending to it that could be a problem. We have and make choices in life. In my recent condition, I have made my choice: to stay positive. The uncertainty of the future scares me, but being overwhelmed by the fear won’t help me either. I just want to do things one by one and put as much effort as I could possibly do.

This too shall pass.

Guided Metta Meditaiton

Metta in Pali means loving kindness. It’s unconditional love. It’s part of the Buddhist practice to develop metta in our heart — not only metta to all other beings, but also to ourself. Everything start from within, then it spreads out. The following guide I took from a passage in a book titled “Seeing the way”, Buddhist reflections on the spritual life. The meditation was guided by Ven. Anando. It’s suggested that the meditation is done in group and it’s read by someone who’s leading the meditation. I like to share it with you, who knows it’s of benefit for you

This will be a meditation on loving-kindness. It will incorporate a simple visualisation using a faculty of mind that we use quite routinely. For instantce, if I suggest bringing to mind the image of a flower, we can do that. It doesn’t matter if it’s a rose or a lily, or what colour it is, or even how clear that mental image is – something fleeting is adequate.

Now sitting upright, notice if there’s any tension in the face. Relaxing around the eyes, around the jaw and mouth. Let the attention come down to the heart area – an area in the middle of the chest, around the sternum, the breastbone. We breathe in, experiecing the breath energy. It’s almost as if it’s possible to breathe in and out from that area in the middle of the chest. Now as we breathe in, saying to ourselves: MAY I BE WELL – wishing oursevels well, let there be a sense of well-being, a subtle gesture of mercy directed towards ourselves. Let the past be; letting it go; and for this moment in time, just keep letting the mind come to the breath, and the heart, and the thought, in an harmonious whole. Breathing in: MAY I BE WELL… and then breathing out, directing that some merciful energy outwards, saying: MAY OTHERS BE WELL.

Continue letting a simple rhythm develop – breathe in: MAY I BE WELL, breathe out: MAY OTHERS BE WELL..

If the mind has wandered off, gently, with great patience, bring the attention back. It’s a soft movement, coming back to the heart, to the breath, to the thought – breathing in: MAY I BE WELL, breathing out through the heart: MAY OTHERS BE WELL…

What we are doing is beginning to attune ourselves to that which is loving and compassionate in the universe. Opening up to that caring energy and allowing it to energise us, nourish us, using the breath and the thought as a channel, as a vehicle for that energy. Breathing in: MAY I BE WELL. And then channel that energy out to others: MAY OTHERS BE WELL…

Keeping the breath soft and steady, letting the breath energy nourish us; breathing in to the heart, breathing out through heart….

Opening up to that which is compassionate in the universe. Breathing in, letting the heart become more sensitive and receptive to that energy. Breathing out, the heart becoming more open and expansive, giving out: MAY OTHERS BE WELL….

And when we’re ready… take a slow, deep breath into the heart, letting the thought and breath energy fill us. Holding it for a while — keeping it comfortable. “Allowing the thought to deepen that sense of well-being. Letting it saturate us, permeate the body. Breathing out, slowly, quietly, back out through the heart: MAY OTHERS BE WELL. Doing that a few times – deep breath in, hold it, and out….

Now we begin to use the visualisation, working more with the out-breath.  On the in-breath continue as before, breathing into the heart with the thought: MAY I BE WELL. And on the out-breath, we first bring to midn the image of our parents – it doesn’t matter where they are, near or far, alive or dead. Bringing them up one at a time, or together – whichever is easier. Seeing them a few feet in front of us, and each time we breathe out bringing up that image and directing our thought of kindness and acceptance towards them. So breathing in with the thought: MAY I BE WELL.. and breathing out, with the mental image of our parents. As we breathe out: MAY THEY BE WELL…

Next: bringing to mind our spiritual teachers, those who have helped us, guided us, encouraged us, instructed us throughout our life. With the out-breath, a gesture of gratitude, using the thought: MAY THEY BE WELL…

Bringing to mind now our family; partner, children, brothers and sisters – one at a time, or in a group. With the out-breath, a gesture of affection: MAY THEY BE WELL. Breathing into the heart: MAY I BE WELL, breathing out through the heart: MAY THEY BE WELL…

Now bringing to mind a special friend or friends – those whom we feel would benefit from thoughts of kindness. With the out-breath, bringing them into the mind and wishing them well; a subtle embrace, a gesture of caring….

Breathing into the heart: MAY I BE WELL. Breathing out through the heart: MAY THEY BE WELL…

Bringing to now those whom we practise with, those in our immediate environment; directing our thoughts out, including all of them: MAY THEY ALL BE WELL AND AT PEACE…

Now bringing to mind an image of the Earth as if seen from outer space. Towards a beautiful blue, white, green brown image, directing our thoughts: MAY ALL BEINGS BE WELL. Breathing out: MAY ALL BEINGS BE WELL…

And now bringing to mind an image of spaciousness, emptiness. Into that vastness directing our thoughts: MAY ALL BEINGS BE WELL. Letting the mind open up, open out; letting the heart open up, open out. The body drops away – no boundaries – vastness – spaciousness….

Now carefully, in a slightly more focussed way, bringing our attention back to the heart, a point in the middle of the chest, and breathing in slowly and deeply with the thought: MAY I BE WELL. Holding it for a while.. Letting that thought spread as a sense of well-being throughout the body, energising and nourishing us. With the out-breath, slowly and quietly, back out through the heart. Doing that once or twice – deep breath in, hold it, and out…

Now bringing to mind an image of someone you hurt, intentionally or not, alive or dead.. and using their name, saying:  PLEASE FORGIVE ME… Calling to mind someone you hurt.. using their name saying: PLEASE FORGIVE ME…

Paying very close attention to the heart. Keeping it open.. and now bringing to mind an image of someone who hurt you. Using their name saying: I FORGIVE YOU… Brigning to mind someone who hurt you. Using their name saying: I FORGIVE YOU…

Now using our own name, we say: I FORGIVE YOU… Using our own name, we say: I FORGIVE YOU…. and YOU ARE FORGIVEN…. YOU ARE FORGIVEN…

Being with those feelings of caring. Bringing them into the heart; holding them gently.. Now carefully coming back to the breath – the breath energy coming into the heart with the though: MAY I BE WELL. Being nourished. And back out, out through the heart for others: MAY OTHERS BE WELL.

So simple – breathing in, being energised. Breathing out, wishing others well. Breathing out for others….

Bell to end meditation.

First Entry in 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

This is my first blog after God knows how long! I hope everyone is having a good time there.

Nothing much really I want to write here. To be honest, I have been busy and also had no inspiration to write, so I was absent for quite some time. Here I am, typing an entry, with not much thing want to say…

I am a terrible communicator, really .. Can’t really express myself verbally, that’s why I take solace in writing. It’s somehow therapeutic… Lately I’ve been too harsh on myself, been critising myself for anything wrong [or maybe not so wrong] I’ve done. I have this tendency to self make myself misery by putting in the negativity in my mind. In good times, when my positive energy is strong, I could beat this negativity, but sometimes I gave in because it’s too strong.

Having said this, I came to realise that each of us needs appreciation and recognition — by others, but more importantly, by our self! I had a colleague who is leaving our company because he didn’t receive the appreciation and recognition that he deserves. Same thing with us — if we don’t give our self a pat on the back, we won’t feel we’ve done great, and if this keeps happening, our self esteem will be at stake. That’s when we had the doubt about our own capability. Don’t get me wrong, doubt itself is “healthy” if we know how to handle it. The problem happens when we believe it.

I’m not saying that I always could get away with this self doubt, but I kept reminding myself I’m better than that. There is an article I read on a magazine that gives a tip on how to react to negative thoughts. The article was based on a life of a man who constantly has negative thoughts and thinks that he doesn’t deserve the good. He has a mantra to tell his thoughts in his head: “Yes, maybe”. This is a very good mantra. This is exactly an effective trick of how to get away with it.

When we try to push things away that we don’t like, the things will linger like a leech licking your blood! The best way of dealing with it is to be its friend. Welcome it, or even agree with it. Just like what the guy does, he told his thoughts “Yes maybe”. So he doesn’t even try to justify why he deserves it or not. By making peace with the unwanted sounds in our head, just smile and say “yes, you may be right”. And then smile and breathe

Okay then, that’s the ramble of today. I don’t know how helpful it is, but hope it could somehow bring an insight to you!

Take care!

Feelings

I had an interesting conversation with my colleague today. It is quite interesting to see her point of view that we should not feel angry or upset. To some extent I agree with that notion. But I still have own reservation on that idea…

For me, feelings – whatever they are: anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness, etc. – are normal. They are part of our lives. When a condition arises to prompt a particular feeling, the feeling will pop out. For example, when someone disappoints you, you’ll get upset. That’s the simple case. However,uncontrolled feelings sometimes could lead to danger or regrets. For instance, people who can’t control their anger, may hurt someone physically or mentally.

The point is, feelings are just feelings. They are not me — or you. They come and go. My favorite recipe to deal with negative emotions is: AFL — Acknowledge, Forgive, and Let go (Learn). But for most people, the hardest thing is to acknowledge when the feeling arises. Mindfulness equips us to do this. I find meditation helpful in many ways, especially in being aware of what’s happening inside our mind.

That’s why I said it’s normal to have feelings — be it negative or positive. Never identify the feelings as yourself. They are just feelings, come and go. Welcome any feelings you have into your heart and when they’re going away, wave a goodbye with a smile.

Sabbe Satta Bhavantu Sukhitatta.

Bodhi Nite 2009! It comes, It Stays, It goes… What is Forever?

Unibuds presents to you the BIGGEST event of the year: Bodhi Nite 2009! This year the theme is Imprmanence. We all know that things are impermanent… but do we really see it? How should we react or embrace impermanence in life? Especially of those that cause us suffering?

Unibuds, a Buddhist society at UNSW, is working hard to pull together the best effort from everyone involved! For 29 years, Unibuds has been growing and becoming stronger because of people who are ongoingly support Unibuds! So… please come and share the joy with us on 29th Aug 2009, 6-7pm, at Clancy Auditorium UNSW! On that night, we are going to perform different shows: Choir, Sketch, Mulitmedia, and Comedy!

So, if you are interested feel free to contact the person on the poster! Hope to see you there!

I Love You

“I love you” that is what we normally like to hear, especially from those who we are close and dear with. But have you ever told those three magic words to yourself?

I remember a line from Karaniya Metta Sutta (Discourse on Loving Kindness) of a Buddhist scripture, saying that love is like “Just as a mother would protect her only child with her life even so let one cultivate a boundless love towards all beings.” Imagine that you’re the mother of yourself that would accept whatever flaws and mistakes you’ve done to yourself and your life, the mother who would open the door of her heart anytime without asking for anything. Imagine, such love that you could just let go of all the hurtful past and hurt that has came into your life. Such love — that is a beautiful love that could touch everyone, including yourself.

I believe everything must start from within before you could bring or exude it out. Sometimes I find the line “I love you” was said out of convention, habit, or even culture. How many times that you really mean the words while you’re saying it? But love is a funny feeling — the love that we normally encounter is conditional love. It changes and evolves. When the condition is supportive, you could feel overwhelmed by the feeling, but when the conditions are not, you could feel the opposite.

But it will be beautiful if we could start loving ourselves unconditionally. Let’s start little by litte, start from the self. Appreciate yourself and your life. That is the best gift that you could give to yourself. Punishing yourself ain’t make things better, but worse. I’ve been there — beating up myself (mentally) and got up afterwards. I have this flux of state of mind… at times I’ve been critical, but at times I’ve been forgiving to myself… But slowly, I could see that myself sailing towards the sea of forgiveness. I know my destination and I will sail through all obstacles and be at the destination by the end of my journey…..

“I love you” that is the biggest and dearest words that I want to tell myself, no matter what happens to me..

The Turning Point

Roughly a month ago, I went to Aloka Monastery to attend the Birthday celebration of the Abbot there. He gave an inspiring talk as his “wish” — in fact, he didn’t intend to have a celebration. But his disciple who has been with him for many many years insisted and persuaded him to make it happen.

The talk he gave was about turning points in his life. He basically was telling about his past — the times before he became a monk. It was inspiring in a way that if only he chose or make a different decision, he won’t be a monk at this right moment. But for some reason, it also seems like things happened in his life led him to become a monk…..

At the same time, it made me ponder — we all have our turning points — points when we had to make “big” decision that could change the direction of our life. I did have mine; at leaset a couple of times. First, when I was little, reckon I was about 10 years old. I was just a kid, and I didn’t realise that my decision that time could change my life. It was just the beginning of a big journey of my life…. It was the time when I decided to study in a different town away from my family and parents. But I didn’t initiate it if my auntie and her family didn’t persuade me into it. I was someone who was thirsty of knowledge (can you believe it???!). I was so eager to study at school (well even though I wasn’t studious, but I enjoyed learning things)… My hometown is small — and its education is way behind others of bigger town. So my auntie talked me into it by “tempting” me that the education in Medan (the town where I’d moved  to) is way better than of my hometown (it is true, indeed~!)

I was naive.. really naive.. I was tempted by the offer and told my parents that I wanted to stay in Medan to study. I didn’t think of the consequences of being away from my family and parents. I was too ambitious, perhaps… I don’t know why I could make up such decision. I didn’t realise what it could bring into my life…. Honestly, looking back, I regret nothing about that decision. It was a big decision, at least for me, to move away from my family at such a young age. [FYI, in Medan I lived with my relos during that time... so not so bad I suppose] I also have to say, my parents were wise enough to let me stay in Medan. It wasn’t easy for every parents, I believe. My mum called and tried talked me out of it so many times, to ask me whether it was what I  really want… But I was adamant, nothing could change my mind…. But I had my first breakdown (ie reality shock) when my dad left me for home (aka hometown)… I locked myself in a room and cried my heart out after he walked out the door! I knew then it was too late for me to turn back time…. I was also feeling loney and scared in the new environment I was living in…. Well, actually I wasn’t living with few people; in fact the number of people staying in the house was twice as my family! I had my auntie, uncle, and my cousins there… and also my eldest brother. But I wasn’t close with my eldest brother (because he was sent away since he was 7 years old), I was way closer to my 2nd brother.

Living away from parents changed my life from a spoilt daughter to an independent girl. I grew emotionally faster than the rest of my peers. In fact, I believe, some of my friends looked upon me because of my “maturity” and independence. I really feel grateful for this turning point. I would have become a different person if I kept staying with my parents. I think I would be a selfish and spoilt girl if I was growing up in that town. Once in awhile I went back home, and when I saw people who were at my age, I felt more grateful for living away. I don’t mean that the people were bad, but their mindsets were different from mine, and some of them even had less respect to others (ie older people). But things changed now, people change too.. I mean, we all are older and (hopefully) wiser.

There are so many other turning points in my life that if I write them all, it would take pages and pages… So let me leave it to this one. Now, I want to ask you .. have you thought of your turning points in your life that have made you who you are now? I believe everyone has turning points in life, and I think we should be grateful for those turning points (good or bad), because they have shaped us for who we are now….