Will you marry me?

This entry is from an article I found interesting from a magazine, New Woman February ‘08, with a little editing from me. The title of the article is Confession of a Relationship Counsellor. Hope you like it and find it helpful Enjoy!

Have you ever wondered how to know whether He is The One?

Following is some clues for you (girls/women) to know the answer from a perspective of a professional, a 12-year relationship psychologist, Dr Dina McMillan. [Guys: please read on, as it might help you understand about human psychology]

It’s in His Laugh

By this I mean that what does he find funny? Are old re-runs of Seinfield his thing? Or is seeing a colleague get busted with a parking ticket more his tipple? Trust me, genuine amusement is tough to stifle and even harder to fake, so it’s a quick and easy way to cut through the gloss and get straight to the real man.

Take one of my closest friends, for example. She dated a man for 8 months who said he thought Sex and the City was hilarious. So what did she do? She made him sit through the entire collection, of course. The problem was he was more a South Park sort of guy (cruel, ironic, you get the gist) and by Season Three he’d had enough. They threw in the towl and now she’s with a guy who really does see the genius of Darren Star. Remember, if you don’t have exactly the same sense of humour it’s not a disaster, but sharing funny bones makes for a stronger relationship down the line, because it means you share the same value.

A warning sign : He laughs at things you find wrong and offensive – this is a sign his values are fundamentally at odds with you. While that may not be an issue now, if children are brought into the equation, it almost certainly will be. Trust me, I see a lot of screwed up kids who’ve had parents like this.

It’s How He Whinges

Bit of complainer? If so, pay attention, especially to how he does it. Fact: people display more of their true feelings when they compoain about something than if you ask them outright. Remember, nearly everyone claims to support or oppose ‘this’ or ‘that’ (how many times have you heard a man say, “Yeah, I’m environmentally sensitive”, only to find he drives a V8 and leaves the tap running when he brushes?), so it’s difficult to gauge anyone’s true feelings or passions these days.

I should tell you another piece of important information about complaints too. What makes someone angry reveals what they feel is wrong, and by its absence, what they think is ok. An example: I have a close girlfriend whose partner (let’s call him John) complained to me about two colleagues who were having an affair. The male colleague was married with several small children. John said nothing critical about the relationship itself. He chose to tell me the story because he was irate that the female colleague had revealed the affair to the man’s wife. Hmm… So the cheating didn’t bother him, but her honesty did? I wasn’t surprised when I bumped into my friend a few years later. Turns out John actually married someone else while he was still dating her (I kid you not).

My advice is to look for a man who leans forward intensely when he discusses a wrong or injustice that is also important to you. Why? It’s a great indicator that you share the same priorities in life.

A warning sign: He complains constantly and gets emotional about the slightest thing. Or even worse, gets fiery about an injustice done to him and spends hours/days about an injustice done to him and spends hours/days planning how to ‘get his own back’ – this guy is trouble. Don’t make him angry. Vindictive men are difficult to live with because they can never forgive, and any perceived slight (even fromt he woman he loves) is remembered forever and used as an excuse to hurt you, over and over again.

It’s How He Talks about His Ex

Like most women, I’m not big on men who wax lyrical about their exes, but I do respect a man who can still throw a compliment her way, even if she did break his heart into a million little pieces. It shows integrity and maturity – two of the most important assets in any man. A good guy won’t go into detail about the women in his past right away and when he does speak up, he’ll be frank and admit his own fault in the problems.

A warning sign: He says his exes ‘all betrayed him’ and uses derogatory words to describe them. I’ve spenttime with thousands of male clients and for some reason, angry and controlling men tend to use the term ‘betrayed’ to describe past relationships where the person wouldn’t stay with them. 90% of the time this man’s anger towards women will eventually turn on you.

3 Extra Red Flags to Watch For….

1. 1. It’s how he handles criticism
   No one likes to be criticised, but a man who goes overboard at the slightest criticism (sulking for days when you laugh at his CD collection, for example) won’t make you happy. You should be able to make a funny dig now and then. Not with this man….
2. It’s how he talks about sex
   This one’s even worse than the man who tries to impress you with his pay packet, because a guys who brags about how many women he’s slept with sees sexual conquest as an aspect of his identity. He’ll need the constant validation that comes with acquiring new partners, which means he’ll likely cheat on you.
3. It’s how he always compliments you
   Everyone wants to be appreciated, and a man who makes an honest comment about a new haircut or the way your backside looks in a certain skirt is great. But it needs to be sincere and accurate. If he keeps harping on, he’s trying to get you addicted to the ego boost he’s offering to make up for something murkier about his character.